In My Mind’s Blog

Sometimes I hate my husband.  Before I qualify that — and I will qualify it — I need to say I’m not kidding.  Sometimes I’m so thoroughly mad and resentful and annoyed with him that I just really hate him.

I know this is an awful thing to say.  That’s why I’m saying it.  Too many of us (and I’ve been guilty of it too) put a lot time and energy into convincing ourselves and others that everything is wonderful all the time.  So when we look at other people — and when you look at me — we see these bright, shiny facades.  Then we compare the way we feel on the inside (not so wonderful) to the way other people seem to be on the outside and we feel badly about ourselves.  We look at someone like, well, me and think, “Oh she’s been married forever and she’s this famous therapist and author and she and her husband work together-they must have a perfect marriage.”

But here’s the thing.  I do have a good marriage.  And I am married to a good man.  And I do love him with all my heart.  And with respect to all these things I’m like millions of other people who’ve got the same deal.  But let’s tell the truth about what that deal gets you.  Even in a good marriage, sometimes you hate the person you love.

Why is that?  To answer, let me tell you about two groups of people who never hate their spouse.  One group is married to perfect people who never frustrate or disappoint them.  But, of course, this group doesn’t exist.  The other group is all too real.  They never hate their spouse because they have one of those marriages filled with distance and politeness and artificiality.  One of those walking-on-eggshells marriages.  One of those marriages where there’s no hate because there’s no real love, just fear and convenience and habits and never dealing with anything real.

The truth is that sometimes you hate the person you love because that’s what it means to be really close.  When you’re close you’re vulnerable.  You take the unattractive parts of yourself and plunk them right down on the table.  And when you do that sometimes the other person doesn’t say, “Oh that’s wonderful.”  Sometimes he says, “Yechhh.”  Just what you didn’t want to hear.  And to be close means daring to hope that things that have never changed will somehow change anyway someday.  And when they don’t you can be really disappointed.  So much so that for a moment you just hate the other person.

What should you do about this?  On one level, nothing.  Occasionally hating the person you love is normal.  It’s a sign of vitality and connection and openness and being in touch with how you really feel.  But you do have to be careful.  Sometimes you can go through a bad period.  When you do, remember this.  My years of experience and research tell me that you don’t judge a marriage by the bad stuff.  You judge it by the good stuff.  And if things have been good between you, then that’s always there for you to build on.  You’ll survive this bad period.

One more thing.  Allow yourself to feel what you feel, but if what you’re feeling is hatred at the moment, don’t act on it.  Anger has a sad way of generating more anger.  Wait until you can come up with one clear request that you have a chance of getting and then ask your partner for that.

I’ve taken a risk here by sharing this with you, and I wonder what you think about it.  It would be pretty funny if I got, like, a thousand comments saying, “What’s wrong with you?  I love my spouse and I’ve never hated him/her for a minute.”  I might get some of those.  But I’m willing to bet that a lot of you are going to understand what I’m saying.  Let’s see!  I’m waiting to hear from you.

Please take very good care of yourself,

Mira

Mira Kirshenbaum is a licensed practitioner of psychotherapy who has been engaged by Revolution Health. No information in this blog is intended to diagnose or treat any condition. The opinions expressed here are her own and do not necessarily reflect those of Revolution Health.  For more help or information, please visit Mira’s Web site.